It’s not a mourning of time lost or a series of regrets. It’s a humble thought--a question of how to pursue my next goals. This bittersweet parting from a home away from home is still filled with peace. I know I am doing the right thing. I don’t feel forced or compelled; rather, I feel directed. I prayed for answers and received them.
I have no anger or malice toward anyone or anything. This experience caused me to question my priorities--to question my purpose.
To question is good--as long as answers are humbly sought--as long as truth is the goal. The truth sought is the Lord’s truth, not the truth of the beholder. Many have questioned my reasoning. Those questions revolve around man made ideologies: money and power.
Yes, I earned money. Yes, it helped our struggling family. Yes, the health insurance was so useful. Yes, some moms can work and raise a successful family at the same time.
BUT--My family struggles with more than finances.
We have 2 cases of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), 5 cases of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), 3 cases of ADD/ADHD, one case of Processing Disorder, and all the associated challenges that come with these.
To me, it is more important for my challenged children to have a mother who is next to them showing them the way instead of telling them how to do something from a phone call or a text or from my bed because I am so tired from fighting my natural introvert tendencies as I work with the public.
To me, it is important that I can outstretch my arms when my child and I are at a loss as to how to remedy a situation that really does not have a remedy except the remedy of time.
David O’McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
While serving in the public sector, I have seen the truth of these words. I’ve seen young children who were happy and joyous (while a little impish) become what some would deem “a menace to society” as they join gangs or become angry. Looking for love and acceptance anywhere they could find it.
While my children are not in such dire straits, I see my children floundering and I must show their importance to me, to themselves, to the Lord before it is too late and the damage is irreparable. I must do my part.
This is my dream--has always been my dream: to have children who love the Lord, who love each other, who love their fellow man, who strive to make this world a better place. Right now, they need a mother’s full focus.
Yes, I believe that education is very important (I did complete my Masters Degree after all.) Yes, I do believe children should socialize with people their own age.
BUT--I choose to home school a child who has had very little success in the public schools--not just academically but also socially. He has struggled with learning since his health declined and powers beyond our ability added challenges for him to overcome. His challenges have inhibited him mentally, emotionally, and at times physically.
As far as socialization goes--socialization should NOT involve uncontrolled, unchecked bullying. Socialization should not involve acceptance of lying and cheating. When an institution fails in the very thing it was created for, then it is no longer a viable option.
People in the public sector say education is important; yet, they are closing schools, cutting the amount of money available to hire great teachers, packing our children into schools until it represents a sardine can instead of a free-flowing school of exuberantly swimming children.
I would have full on anxiety if I was stuffed into a can that represents the very image of a prison.
There are other ways of socializing. Healthy ways. Enjoyable ways. Ways that build--not tear down. We WILL do this. AND--What exactly is wrong with learning how to communicate with your very own family--to socialize with your family?
I have a teen who has never known me outside of being busy. She is swaying with the wind instead of standing up to it. I understand where she is coming from. Sometimes, it is just easier to go with the flow instead of making your own mark--especially if there is no support. Saplings need extra support until they are able to stand on their own.
Now, I don’t think I have failed entirely; but, I feel we are too close to a precipice. Our relationship is needing some nurturing.
When my son asked me this morning if I had to work today, I said, “Yes. But, it is my last day.” And then, I got close to him to tell him that after tonight, I will be a stay at home mom. Then, I got super close to him--face to face--in order to insist upon focus. As I did this, I stated, “and then, I will be your school teacher.”
His response, still brings a warming to my heart, a tear to my eye, and proof positive that I am doing the right thing for us.
He didn’t say anything. He just put his forehead to my forehead and closed his eyes. Then, I closed mine and mentally and sincerely thanked God for giving me answers and beautiful children.
