Changes

It’s not a mourning of time lost or a series of regrets. It’s a humble thought--a question of how to pursue my next goals. This bittersweet parting from a home away from home is still filled with peace. I know I am doing the right thing. I don’t feel forced or compelled; rather, I feel directed. I prayed for answers and received them.

I have no anger or malice toward anyone or anything. This experience caused me to question my priorities--to question my purpose.

To question is good--as long as answers are humbly sought--as long as truth is the goal.  The truth sought is the Lord’s truth, not the truth of the beholder. Many have questioned my reasoning. Those questions revolve around man made ideologies: money and power.

Yes, I earned money. Yes, it helped our struggling family. Yes, the health insurance was so useful. Yes, some moms can work and raise a successful family at the same time.

BUT--My family struggles with more than finances.

We have 2 cases of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), 5 cases of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), 3 cases of ADD/ADHD, one case of Processing Disorder, and all the associated challenges that come with these.

To me, it is more important for my challenged children to have a mother who is next to them showing them the way instead of telling them how to do something from a phone call or a text or from my bed because I am so tired from fighting my natural introvert tendencies as I work with the public.

To me, it is important that I can outstretch my arms when my child and I are at a loss as to how to remedy a situation that really does not have a remedy except the remedy of time.

David O’McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

While serving in the public sector, I have seen the truth of these words. I’ve seen young children who were happy and joyous (while a little impish) become what some would deem “a menace to society” as they join gangs or become angry. Looking for love and acceptance anywhere they could find it.

While my children are not in such dire straits, I see my children floundering and I must show their importance to me, to themselves, to the Lord before it is too late and the damage is irreparable. I must do my part.

This is my dream--has always been my dream: to have children who love the Lord, who love each other, who love their fellow man, who strive to make this world a better place. Right now, they need a mother’s full focus.

Yes, I believe that education is very important (I did complete my Masters Degree after all.) Yes, I do believe children should socialize with people their own age.

BUT--I choose to home school a child who has had very little success in the public schools--not just academically but also socially. He has struggled with learning since his health declined and powers beyond our ability added challenges for him to overcome. His challenges have inhibited him mentally, emotionally, and at times physically.

As far as socialization goes--socialization should NOT involve uncontrolled, unchecked bullying. Socialization should not involve acceptance of lying and cheating. When an institution fails in the very thing it was created for, then it is no longer a viable option.

People in the public sector say education is important; yet, they are closing schools, cutting the amount of money available to hire great teachers, packing our children into schools until it represents a sardine can instead of a free-flowing school of exuberantly swimming children.

I would have full on anxiety if I was stuffed into a can that represents the very image of a prison.

There are other ways of socializing. Healthy ways. Enjoyable ways. Ways that build--not tear down. We WILL do this. AND--What exactly is wrong with learning how to communicate with your very own family--to socialize with your family?

I have a teen who has never known me outside of being busy. She is swaying with the wind instead of standing up to it. I understand where she is coming from. Sometimes, it is just easier to go with the flow instead of making your own mark--especially if there is no support. Saplings need extra support until they are able to stand on their own.

Now, I don’t think I have failed entirely; but, I feel we are too close to a precipice. Our relationship is needing some nurturing.

When my son asked me this morning if I had to work today, I said, “Yes. But, it is my last day.” And then, I got close to him to tell him that after tonight, I will be a stay at home mom. Then, I got super close to him--face to face--in order to insist upon focus. As I did this, I stated, “and then, I will be your school teacher.”

His response, still brings a warming to my heart, a tear to my eye, and proof positive that I am doing the right thing for us.

He didn’t say anything. He just put his forehead to my forehead and closed his eyes. Then, I closed mine and mentally and sincerely thanked God for giving me answers and beautiful children.

A Bad Day Ends with Gratitude

This morning started out with a screech. No, I don't mean a halt or quick stop. I mean a blood curdling, spine cringing screech.

My youngest was recently diagnosed with Aspergers on the Autism spectrum. A mild form, the doctor said.  Some days, it's hard to discern that there is anything unusual about my child--then the anxiety disorder rears its ugly threatening head. Those are the times I think, "Mild?!?"

Just two nights before:

• He went to sleep without a hitch.
• He was caught up in his work after the last bout of anxiety (yes, I caved, I let him stay home--I was so tired and battle fatigued--do we really have to do this EVERY day?) 
• He was starting to understand his math (which he hates). 
• He read (which he hates)--without prodding (and, he read two books). He wasn't reading to anyone, just himself. And, he sounded great. It felt like it was starting to click.

I was feeling so good, so blessed, so filled with hope.

Then last night:

• He refused to eat anything for supper--even cereal (his usual stand in). 
• Then he refused to eat breakfast. 
• Then he adamantly objected to me sending lunch with him.  (Here, I might add, the teachers notice that he hasn't been eating his lunch.  Therefore, I put in the lunch the very few items that I knew he would at least consider eating if he were hungry enough.

This morning: Some force attacked the nerves of my child which caused him to panic.

Hope was obliterated! "Ugh! Really? Why?" was all I could think as I endured one and a half hours of screaming and me fighting.
Fighting to get him dressed.
Fighting to brush his teeth.
Fighting and failing to get him to eat something.
Fighting to get him in the car.
Fighting to keep my temper in check and just push through with apparent calm and patient demeanor.😣

He was screaming that he was afraid.  He didn't want to go to school.  I asked him what he was afraid of--he couldn't answer any specific thing.

I kept telling myself, you are almost there. I usually take my oldest to University then proceed on to work.  I always arrive an hour early and spend some time reading, writing, or staring into blessed nothingness.

I couldn't wait for that hour of total silence. Nothing demanding attention.  Doesn't that just sound like a little piece of heaven? Yes, of course it does. But, when I get there, I can't find my keys. 😒

I have no way to get into my temporary sanctuary before work--or work. No one is going to be there for another hour.

I start to panic. It must be catchy!

I knew I had my keys in my hands that morning.  I had put them in my pocket. But, between dropping off my screaming cargo, running to drop of a prescription, etc, I couldn't remember seeing them.

Well, I couldn't sit in the car for an hour waiting for work to come to me.  I had to find those keys. I dumped out my bag and looked in every nook and cranny. But, all I found was more panic.

I had to retrace my steps.  What if I had dropped them in the parking lot of the store? What if I had dropped them in the store? What if I had, somehow, dropped them in the yard as I hurriedly drove away? The questions haunted.

I raced home. Dashed around the house.  Looked high and low quickly. I dashed to the store.  Asked 3 different people if keys had been turned in. I called mom because I had dropped the four legged child off there for the day (he had been showing signs of anxiety as well). No one had seen my keys.

By this time, I had to be at work in 10 minutes (it's a 15 minute drive). So, I prayed as I drove. I told our Heavenly Father that I need help. I couldn't take it any more. I was at my wits end. I was ready to throw in the towel.

I questioned why. Why do my children have to struggle so? Why can't things go smoothly more often? Why wouldn't He just make them better?

Then, I got stopped by the train! 😒

I pulled into work and received a text from my boss just as I turned off the engine.

Then the work day began . . .

Fast forward to this evening:
When I left for work, I called my husband to see if I needed to pick up anyone that may have been stranded due to unforeseen circumstances. Everyone was home and things seemed to be running smooth. I then told him, $5 to whomever finds my work keys.  I was desperate.

By the time I got home, everyone had eaten, the kitchen was clean, and all was calm and peaceful.  The 13-year-old had FOUND MY KEYS! . . . On my bed. Under my blankets.  Ugh! I knew I should have made my bed. But, my point is this. After my keys and I were reunited, I was able to relax. I decided to color and find my center--so to speak.

In the process of reflecting on the day and catching up with my children I discovered some very important things. There are successes!  Some might even call them miracles.

My oldest, who also bears burden of ASD, gave a speech--on the fly--and earned a near perfect score. Some of his classmates said that they would never had known about the Autism, if he hadn't told them. They were all encouraging in their remarks, uplifting.  He is thriving in college. I am so proud of him.

My oldest and third (who usually fight like cats and dogs) were communicating, civilly, like humans. It was a sight to behold.  THIS is a miracle.

My youngest, is improving academically.  Not as fast as I or his teachers would like; however, at this point his struggles are so real that the fact that he wanted to read to no one in particular--just for the utter enjoyment-- is amazing!

Peace and Hope restored. . . . At least, for the moment.

Disappointment and Discouragement Abated

This morning I discovered the best time to contemplate an event is in the early morning hours.  Preferably not 4:30 in the morning, but there you go—early.

I suffered, what I thought at the time, was a bitter disappointment yesterday.  A second chance at what I thought was meant to be and wanted so very much happened.  While some may think it juvenile—let’s face it, we all have those moments—a beautiful sheltie shepherd mix puppy came up for adoption.

I have a family who have various struggles such as high anxiety, Asperger’s, epilepsy, ADHD, depression, just to name a few.  I have wanted a puppy to raise with the unknown that can make older dogs nervous. 

I wanted a dog to comfort when in distress, to alert when things are out of balance. 

I wanted a friend for a child who has an extremely hard time understanding the human world. 

A friend to take on walks individually and together. 

I claimed medical and mental necessity.

After the sweet thing was adopted, I was heart broken.  After a couple years of looking, a friend had found what I thought would be the newest member of my family.  It was adopted quickly by another and therefore out of reach.  I started looking for other possibilities but could not locate any out of the many cute and adorable faces that made me as excited.

Then I got a text that my first choice may still be up for adoption.  I was instantly excited, thinking, “It must be meant to be.”

My mother advised against it, because there are already a lot of adjustments going on in the family as we change living arrangements, finish my schooling, amid other things.

I called my husband, hoping that he would side with me—I didn’t tell him what mother had said.  (I sound very much like a child here going from parent to parent).

He said the same thing she said—ugh!  I wanted nothing more than to wallow in self-pity and disappointment.  But there wasn’t time.  I had to go to work—and since I LOVE my job . . . I pushed forward. 

I remember thinking, “I have not felt this much disappointment and discouragement in a long time.”

I knew I couldn’t walk into work the way I was feeling.  So, I prayed.  But, I didn’t pray that I would get my way and somehow this puppy would be ours.  I prayed for knowledge.  I expressed my disappointment to the Lord.  I told him I didn’t think it was fair, that we should have some type of pleasure in our stress ridden home.  However, I asked him, that if it was right that Mom and husband would see the necessity.  And, if it was not right, to help me to accept and move on and feel no more distress and disappointment.

I got to work, still a little encumbered by my personal drama but making an effort to put it aside.  As I got into the activity of doing what I love, it became easier to let it go—for at least the time being.  I did express my frustration to a friend, who was wise enough to acknowledge my feelings and then redirect my thoughts.

By the time I got home, was drained from the day, which started out busy and kept busy.  After a decent night’s sleep, I awoke and considered the day before and the lessons found within.

Sometimes, it is really difficult to accept the plan our Heavenly Father has for us.  While this is a simple example in retrospect, I quote Alma in the Book of Mormon:

“Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great thing brought to pass” (37:6).

REAL TIME:

An amazing thing just happened as I quoted this scripture.  Just before I went to sleep last night, honestly still feeling a little put out, I got the impression to read this chapter in Alma.  I put it aside thinking, “I am always reading Alma.”

Let me explain, it seems whenever I am having a struggle my brain goes to Alma (I think this stems from an incident in childhood I experienced at my mother’s knee—that’s for another time).  Therefore, I thought it was just my brain interfering. 

Now, I feel humbled, and even more compelled to dedicate my rarely free morning to Alma’s teachings.

Inspiration from Within

Courtesy MorgueFile.com

WOW! I have been away from this blog for a long time.  I was just contemplating what wonderful things happen when we are in the very throws of life.  I don't mean specifically as a parent.  I mean in general.  How life happens and things are brought together.

I have been a very tired mom the last few months as I wind down my college educational career.  Though it is not over, it won't be long.  Just yesterday I was complaining about how tired I am and how I can't wait for the school thing to be over.  I definitely have senioritis bad.

But, I got the chance to sleep in until 8:00am.  I have accomplished today, some of everything including: time with family in a relaxed atmosphere, laundry and mess management at home, talk time with the hubby, school work to the point of thinking--finally--"I got this!" mentality, and the chance to think over some stellar things that have happened on my quest to be supermom, loving wife, and to be an awesome librarian (just a few of the hats I wear).

My day feels complete and inspiring!  It's great when we inspire ourselves.

Though this entry feels overdue it came in time.  Though this blog is short it is no less meaningless.

I hope that all who read this take time to stop and really think about what they have accomplished and find the inspiration of self and realize that what they do is full of meaning and in time will--if they so desire--inspire others!

A Small Reprieve

Though this blog is far from what I would like it to be, it is what it is.  I have been away from the creative writing for very good reasons.  But I have not stopped writing altogether.  I write in my mind in those precious moments – and I mean moments . . . sometimes mere seconds.  When I think, I write.  Just not on paper.

I have graduated with my BA in English and now am working on my Masters in Library Science.  I am also, home schooling 3 children due to issues that have made my children cry many a night and therefore made me cry.  I am also in my dream job part time—working in a library with the patrons who have become part of my world. 

I have a very, very full and fulfilling life.  I still ache to sit down and write.  But, there must be sacrifices at every point in life.  When I am not at work, I am teaching.  When I am not at work or teaching, I am at school.  Then there are the normal routine things like trying to have a somewhat organized home with somewhat disciplined children.

I am on Christmas Break right now and so are my children.  This has opened up time slot after time slot of deeper reflection and contemplation.  I miss sitting still and quieting my spirit and just listening to the silence.  I have become sane again.  My life has slowed down . . . briefly.  But, it is enough to give me a reprieve and reach within.

This is my Christmas present to myself.  It is the best present I have ever given to myself.  Time.

A Wonderful Life with SJCPL

I’ve been away from this blog page for a long while.  Much has happened.  I found a wonderful job, finally, at St. Joseph County Public Library (SJCPL).  I am also back in school! 

I am seeking a Masters degree in Library and Information Science.  I have finally found a perfect fit for me. 

So, not only am I a student mom—again—I am also a working mom.  Busy, doesn’t seem to cover the life I lead right now.  But, I love it—especially when the kids are peacefully asleep or the schoolwork is done or both! 

This year at SJCPL we have piggy backed on the Civil War 150^th Commemoration in Indiana and chosen the book Killer Angels by Michael Shaara as our One Book Michiana 2013.  While I admit I haven’t read it, yet, I also admit that I am looking forward to reading it next week after the rush of the spring semester is over. 

I love a good historical novel and this one won the Pulitzer Prize.

Keeping in the theme of the Civil War, author Jennifer Chiaverini will be at SJCPL on the 29^th of April.  She wrote Mrs. Lincoln’s Dressmaker.  This book is about freed slave Elizabeth Keckly.  Read the blog found on SJCPL’s website, titled “The Dressmaker.”  I read that food is involved.  YUM! That is this Monday!  I only wish that I had time to read that book, too.  Maybe I’ll have time while I wait for classes to start this May for summer semester?

Have you ever wanted to experience a true afternoon tea during the 1880’s?  Well you’re in luck!  There is going to be a tea at the historic Tippecanoe Place.  This one requires admission and some money to defray the cost but sounds lovely.  I may invite my mother to pull that one off on May 3^rd.

If you missed our recent activities around the different branches involving some authentic Civil War memorabilia, I am truly sorry.   Some of the students from the neighborhood schools near Western Branch enjoyed learning how to play some of the games popular for the time.  I heard a lot of laughter coming from the room they were in—it was contagious to my heart.

But, if history is not your forte and you would rather read some fantasy literature—we have that combined with Abraham Lincoln in the book titled, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and yes, we have the movie, too (if you would rather not read).

The library isn’t just for those voracious readers anymore.  It’s for anyone who is interested in diversion or education.  There truly is something for everyone, if they give it a chance.  Many of our programs have sub-programs—like One Book Michiana as seen above.  We also . . . have summer reading programs where prizes are involved and awarded to more than one person.  But, there are also programs associated with that through out the summer months!  I look forward to handing out prizes to patrons.  I have a prize in just working at the library!  Come see how wonderful it all is!

Troublemaker Television

After months of bemoaning the fact that the television gets more attention than mom, I finally said, “Enough!”  After months of mean and bitter talk to siblings by siblings, I finally said, “Enough!”  What did I say “Enough” to?

Television.

We have a simple flat screen with DVD.  I took it to my mother and let her have a television in her bedroom while I have no television—to see what would happen.  Do you know it made a great difference! Kind of.

When there is no entertainment to interrupt, homework gets done.  When there is no television to talk around I get listened to.  Of course, I still seem to have to yell or whistle to get attention sometimes—okay, most of the time.  But—I feel like I have one less child.

One less child to argue with.

One less child to listen chatter on incessantly while saying nothing.

One less child to take up space that could be valuable for something else. 

One less child-can make a difference.  And . . . it isn’t a flesh and blood actual child.  So, I haven’t committed some heinous crime by evicting the trouble maker.

There is a saying:  “If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee” (Matthew 5:30).

That television was the source of much contention so I “cut it off” or unplugged it; and “cast it” away or removed it from our home. 

The only thing is, in a small quaint home there isn’t much room for the hyperactivity of natural childhood.  And there are days (migraine, sick, or blah days) where I feel the need to let them tune me out and tune in something else.  But, the television is 2 miles away and I just don’t feel like going to get it.  So what do I do—

Pull out the computer with dvd and plug it in so I don’t “cast” away a real flesh and blood child.