Disappointment and Discouragement Abated

This morning I discovered the best time to contemplate an event is in the early morning hours.  Preferably not 4:30 in the morning, but there you go—early.

I suffered, what I thought at the time, was a bitter disappointment yesterday.  A second chance at what I thought was meant to be and wanted so very much happened.  While some may think it juvenile—let’s face it, we all have those moments—a beautiful sheltie shepherd mix puppy came up for adoption.

I have a family who have various struggles such as high anxiety, Asperger’s, epilepsy, ADHD, depression, just to name a few.  I have wanted a puppy to raise with the unknown that can make older dogs nervous. 

I wanted a dog to comfort when in distress, to alert when things are out of balance. 

I wanted a friend for a child who has an extremely hard time understanding the human world. 

A friend to take on walks individually and together. 

I claimed medical and mental necessity.

After the sweet thing was adopted, I was heart broken.  After a couple years of looking, a friend had found what I thought would be the newest member of my family.  It was adopted quickly by another and therefore out of reach.  I started looking for other possibilities but could not locate any out of the many cute and adorable faces that made me as excited.

Then I got a text that my first choice may still be up for adoption.  I was instantly excited, thinking, “It must be meant to be.”

My mother advised against it, because there are already a lot of adjustments going on in the family as we change living arrangements, finish my schooling, amid other things.

I called my husband, hoping that he would side with me—I didn’t tell him what mother had said.  (I sound very much like a child here going from parent to parent).

He said the same thing she said—ugh!  I wanted nothing more than to wallow in self-pity and disappointment.  But there wasn’t time.  I had to go to work—and since I LOVE my job . . . I pushed forward. 

I remember thinking, “I have not felt this much disappointment and discouragement in a long time.”

I knew I couldn’t walk into work the way I was feeling.  So, I prayed.  But, I didn’t pray that I would get my way and somehow this puppy would be ours.  I prayed for knowledge.  I expressed my disappointment to the Lord.  I told him I didn’t think it was fair, that we should have some type of pleasure in our stress ridden home.  However, I asked him, that if it was right that Mom and husband would see the necessity.  And, if it was not right, to help me to accept and move on and feel no more distress and disappointment.

I got to work, still a little encumbered by my personal drama but making an effort to put it aside.  As I got into the activity of doing what I love, it became easier to let it go—for at least the time being.  I did express my frustration to a friend, who was wise enough to acknowledge my feelings and then redirect my thoughts.

By the time I got home, was drained from the day, which started out busy and kept busy.  After a decent night’s sleep, I awoke and considered the day before and the lessons found within.

Sometimes, it is really difficult to accept the plan our Heavenly Father has for us.  While this is a simple example in retrospect, I quote Alma in the Book of Mormon:

“Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great thing brought to pass” (37:6).

REAL TIME:

An amazing thing just happened as I quoted this scripture.  Just before I went to sleep last night, honestly still feeling a little put out, I got the impression to read this chapter in Alma.  I put it aside thinking, “I am always reading Alma.”

Let me explain, it seems whenever I am having a struggle my brain goes to Alma (I think this stems from an incident in childhood I experienced at my mother’s knee—that’s for another time).  Therefore, I thought it was just my brain interfering. 

Now, I feel humbled, and even more compelled to dedicate my rarely free morning to Alma’s teachings.

Inspiration from Within

Courtesy MorgueFile.com

WOW! I have been away from this blog for a long time.  I was just contemplating what wonderful things happen when we are in the very throws of life.  I don't mean specifically as a parent.  I mean in general.  How life happens and things are brought together.

I have been a very tired mom the last few months as I wind down my college educational career.  Though it is not over, it won't be long.  Just yesterday I was complaining about how tired I am and how I can't wait for the school thing to be over.  I definitely have senioritis bad.

But, I got the chance to sleep in until 8:00am.  I have accomplished today, some of everything including: time with family in a relaxed atmosphere, laundry and mess management at home, talk time with the hubby, school work to the point of thinking--finally--"I got this!" mentality, and the chance to think over some stellar things that have happened on my quest to be supermom, loving wife, and to be an awesome librarian (just a few of the hats I wear).

My day feels complete and inspiring!  It's great when we inspire ourselves.

Though this entry feels overdue it came in time.  Though this blog is short it is no less meaningless.

I hope that all who read this take time to stop and really think about what they have accomplished and find the inspiration of self and realize that what they do is full of meaning and in time will--if they so desire--inspire others!

A Small Reprieve

Though this blog is far from what I would like it to be, it is what it is.  I have been away from the creative writing for very good reasons.  But I have not stopped writing altogether.  I write in my mind in those precious moments – and I mean moments . . . sometimes mere seconds.  When I think, I write.  Just not on paper.

I have graduated with my BA in English and now am working on my Masters in Library Science.  I am also, home schooling 3 children due to issues that have made my children cry many a night and therefore made me cry.  I am also in my dream job part time—working in a library with the patrons who have become part of my world. 

I have a very, very full and fulfilling life.  I still ache to sit down and write.  But, there must be sacrifices at every point in life.  When I am not at work, I am teaching.  When I am not at work or teaching, I am at school.  Then there are the normal routine things like trying to have a somewhat organized home with somewhat disciplined children.

I am on Christmas Break right now and so are my children.  This has opened up time slot after time slot of deeper reflection and contemplation.  I miss sitting still and quieting my spirit and just listening to the silence.  I have become sane again.  My life has slowed down . . . briefly.  But, it is enough to give me a reprieve and reach within.

This is my Christmas present to myself.  It is the best present I have ever given to myself.  Time.

A Wonderful Life with SJCPL

I’ve been away from this blog page for a long while.  Much has happened.  I found a wonderful job, finally, at St. Joseph County Public Library (SJCPL).  I am also back in school! 

I am seeking a Masters degree in Library and Information Science.  I have finally found a perfect fit for me. 

So, not only am I a student mom—again—I am also a working mom.  Busy, doesn’t seem to cover the life I lead right now.  But, I love it—especially when the kids are peacefully asleep or the schoolwork is done or both! 

This year at SJCPL we have piggy backed on the Civil War 150^th Commemoration in Indiana and chosen the book Killer Angels by Michael Shaara as our One Book Michiana 2013.  While I admit I haven’t read it, yet, I also admit that I am looking forward to reading it next week after the rush of the spring semester is over. 

I love a good historical novel and this one won the Pulitzer Prize.

Keeping in the theme of the Civil War, author Jennifer Chiaverini will be at SJCPL on the 29^th of April.  She wrote Mrs. Lincoln’s Dressmaker.  This book is about freed slave Elizabeth Keckly.  Read the blog found on SJCPL’s website, titled “The Dressmaker.”  I read that food is involved.  YUM! That is this Monday!  I only wish that I had time to read that book, too.  Maybe I’ll have time while I wait for classes to start this May for summer semester?

Have you ever wanted to experience a true afternoon tea during the 1880’s?  Well you’re in luck!  There is going to be a tea at the historic Tippecanoe Place.  This one requires admission and some money to defray the cost but sounds lovely.  I may invite my mother to pull that one off on May 3^rd.

If you missed our recent activities around the different branches involving some authentic Civil War memorabilia, I am truly sorry.   Some of the students from the neighborhood schools near Western Branch enjoyed learning how to play some of the games popular for the time.  I heard a lot of laughter coming from the room they were in—it was contagious to my heart.

But, if history is not your forte and you would rather read some fantasy literature—we have that combined with Abraham Lincoln in the book titled, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and yes, we have the movie, too (if you would rather not read).

The library isn’t just for those voracious readers anymore.  It’s for anyone who is interested in diversion or education.  There truly is something for everyone, if they give it a chance.  Many of our programs have sub-programs—like One Book Michiana as seen above.  We also . . . have summer reading programs where prizes are involved and awarded to more than one person.  But, there are also programs associated with that through out the summer months!  I look forward to handing out prizes to patrons.  I have a prize in just working at the library!  Come see how wonderful it all is!

Troublemaker Television

After months of bemoaning the fact that the television gets more attention than mom, I finally said, “Enough!”  After months of mean and bitter talk to siblings by siblings, I finally said, “Enough!”  What did I say “Enough” to?

Television.

We have a simple flat screen with DVD.  I took it to my mother and let her have a television in her bedroom while I have no television—to see what would happen.  Do you know it made a great difference! Kind of.

When there is no entertainment to interrupt, homework gets done.  When there is no television to talk around I get listened to.  Of course, I still seem to have to yell or whistle to get attention sometimes—okay, most of the time.  But—I feel like I have one less child.

One less child to argue with.

One less child to listen chatter on incessantly while saying nothing.

One less child to take up space that could be valuable for something else. 

One less child-can make a difference.  And . . . it isn’t a flesh and blood actual child.  So, I haven’t committed some heinous crime by evicting the trouble maker.

There is a saying:  “If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee” (Matthew 5:30).

That television was the source of much contention so I “cut it off” or unplugged it; and “cast it” away or removed it from our home. 

The only thing is, in a small quaint home there isn’t much room for the hyperactivity of natural childhood.  And there are days (migraine, sick, or blah days) where I feel the need to let them tune me out and tune in something else.  But, the television is 2 miles away and I just don’t feel like going to get it.  So what do I do—

Pull out the computer with dvd and plug it in so I don’t “cast” away a real flesh and blood child.

Pencils and Crayons not Computers

I took on substitute teaching as I try to get work experience and figure out if teaching is the path for me.  I am not certified because it would take at least another year to do so.  Therefore, I thought it would be worth my while, and better for future students, to make sure that it is something that I want to do.  Not to mention, as a mom of four it is imperative to make sure that sacrifices are as pleasant as possible.

Something I am learning is that teachers are most certainly not paid enough here in South Bend.  Not because the students are bad students—we all go through periods of frustration—but because there are so many true needs associated with the students and I know that most of these teachers would bend over backwards to help their students succeed.

For example, I have been to many elementary schools (who shall remain nameless) where the students don’t have the tools they need to aid in learning.  I am not talking about laptops or computers.  I am talking about the basic technology of crayons and pencils—and working pencil sharpeners.

The pencils that the students use are of the cheapest quality because that is the best some of these parents can do.  The leads break so easy that sometimes students get their name written on their work and have to sharpen a pencil that they just sharpened moments before.  But, the pencil “sharpeners” eat the pencils more than sharpen them.

I’ve taken to taking my own pencils (already sharpened) and if someone needs a sharpened pencil they get one of mine.  Otherwise we would spend half of the time fighting a beast of a machine.  Talk about disruption!  You should see the smiles on some of their faces when I give them a sharpened pencil that doesn’t seem to break every time they write their names. These pencils are not even decorated.  They are just yellow Ticonderogas.

I was at a school where the students were sharing crayons, half a box to 4 or five students.  They were, for the most part, willing participants heart and mind.  But it slowed processes down and caused more frustration than just learning basic principles.  They wanted to get their work done, but because they couldn’t move on when they were ready it caused some to just quit or get distracted to causing frustration for other students—namely nit picking and causing spats.

I don’t know much about the no child left behind idea but children are being left behind.  One teacher to 23 struggling second graders equals some little ones being left behind.  Not that the teachers want that.  They worry over what to do for their students to make learning a pleasant experience.  I am one parent to four children and when they all need me at the same time it can be exasperating—to say the least.

I am just a substitute and the precious little people leave impressions on me that lift my soul and haunt my dreams.  I want more for them but my hands are tied.  What can I do?  Ideas?

Who's the Boss

So, I have finally done it.  I have graduated with my BA in literature and writing.  Yay!  However, there is also a feeling that somehow I am not as complete as I thought I would be.  I thought I would somehow be bestowed with a feeling of empowerment.  I’m not. 

Instead, I feel like I have digressed because I know now that I know nothing in the greater scheme of things-- Especially when it comes to parenting teens -- who think they are empowered by some unseen force. 

I have a child about to turn 13--next week as a matter of fact.  I also have a 40-something husband and father of the teenager “to be.”  At times it is almost impossible to tell the two apart.  Their behavior is so alike and sooooo frustrating!  They are continuously butting heads.  It’s like there are both vying for the head honcho of the family. 

Neither of the two wants to listen to the other.  Each believes with all of his might that he is right and that is that.  Each wants to do what he wants to do and believes that the other should do it also.  They jump to conclusions at the same time and reversals occur that put my head into a flat spin. 

My question is . . . How do I get them to realize who is really the boss?  Me . . . by virtue of motherhood!